Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
