guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
