You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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