Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
