I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
