yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
