i think my tv is drunk
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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