I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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