You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
