while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
