life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
