M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
