I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
