I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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