in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
