The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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