All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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