New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
did i just pee glitter
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
