i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
