Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
