Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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