mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
