After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
