i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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