I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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