Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
