The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
