This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
