I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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