I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
