doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
