Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
