atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
