the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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