don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
