someone threw a dead crab at me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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