When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You're like the curious george of whores
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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