I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
