My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
