I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
