look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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