You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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