she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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