I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
