he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
