youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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