Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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