my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
