Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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