Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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