and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
